the ironic part about making things right (a cross-post)
This had been a lingering (though hopefully not perpetual) complaint.
To make everything straight and perfect, bleed to finish a degree
earlier than expected, to live by (and die for) your principles… to
remain true, to be a real good friend, to pray hard not just for
yourself but for others, to dream for your family, to aim high, to risk
everything in order to prove that you can love…
…only to get
hurt, to be left on the side because you are thought of as
self-sufficient, to be approached only on times when you are needed, to
forgive at all times albeit the non-stop emotional throbs, to put your
head above your emotions BECAUSE YOU ALWAYS OUGHT TO UNDERSTAND, to be
pressured to remain strong and perfect because you’re on the right
track…
… in exchange of nothing but affirming nods, smiles,
handshakes; only to find out that they will be leaving you after you’ve
rendered what they need. You get what you deserve, but you only get
what they think you need. Extras — there’s none. Compensated? Yes.
It always had been fair, just, well-computed. But how about the extra
juice of life that I dream of tasting?
Isn’t it strange that
there are other people who are actually not doing anything to get the
things they enjoy? I am not saying that they do not deserve it, but I
could just empathize with the non-prodigal son. He did nothing to
break his father’s heart, but he never had the best treatment. Perhaps
I am just feeling the same.
During the past week, I’ve battled
with God due to this highly Catholic issue — preferential option for
the poor. Not that I want to confiscate all the comforts that these
undeserving people get but I would like to know how on earth do they
have a great taste of all of them. I did not get a straight answer
from Him, but am praying for the time that I’ll get to understand what
it truly means. Shame on me and my scholarship, I wrote an MA thesis
on the Hermeneutics of the Poor of Yahweh, but I find it difficult in
my heart to swallow the lessons that I’ve chewed in my research.
Having a heart for the poor would be fine, but how about those who
became miserable because of their own doings? Preferential options for
the brats and damsels in distress, anyone?
I probably need the
grace of humility, yes… in order for me to admit that I am also
yearning for things that I might have come too tired to compute or
estimate. Yes people, despite all of these… I am in dire need of
something I can’t even see for myself.
And what could that be? I dunno. Real friends would prolly just know.
Sorry, emotional fluxes.
