a pilgrim’s trace

A PLACE…

to breathe

to think of things, to gather courage

to listen to my heart

to move about while being unnoticed

to slip without being laughed at

to sit on the floor while reading a good book

to unreservedly laugh at kikay and babaw girls (eeek)

to visit chapels and pray really hard

to sit at the church patio (patio ba yun?), by Christ’s large replica and just whine my heart out

to walk under the life-giving sun (at near-noontime)

to come to class ON TIME. 

to leave, when the term ends… with the hopes of running back when i’ve gathered enough wounds.

this is not home, but a place where i could stop time and get the comfort that i need.  i must have grown with the idea that i have to be there, and in a way, i can just be there… but i just can’t stay there.  home must be hurting, but it purges me… IT DOESNT STOP TO CARE, IT PUSHES ME TO GROW.

the woods are lovely, dark and deep

but i have promises to keep

and miles to go before i sleep

and miles to go before i sleep.

-Robert Frost

ETO ANG TOTOONG WHINING…

LORD ANO BA NAMAN ITO?! 

nagpapatawa ka na naman eh.  di naman sa hindi ko gagawin yung gusto mo, ehehe, wala naman akong tinanggihan sa mga binabato mo sa akin.  pero sana man lang ipaintindi mo.  tulad ni Jonah, ilang beses na akong tumanggi; pero tulad ni Jonah, ilang beses mo na rin ako pinalunok sa loob ng malalaking whales (killer whales pa yung iba).  susunod naman ako eh… promise, ipaintindi mo lang.  di na ako tatakas, (hehehe, on the second thought, kelan mo ba ako pinatakas?!) pero sige na… ipaintindi mo lang.

tsaka bakit ganun?!  magpagawa ka naman ng malalaking bagay sa mga taong walang ginagawa sa mundo! bakit ba andaming pinanganak na pa-cute, DI NAMAN CUTE?!  mga paimportante’t paespesyal ubod naman ng babaw.  anukabanaman… pwede bang marealize din nila na may role din sila?  pwede bang maghirap man lang din sila? 

sensya na Lord, puro ressentiments… pero sige na Lord, ipaintindi mo lang.  hirap sa’yo nagjojoke ka, di madaling ma-gets ang punchline.  kahit anong hirap, basta maintindihan ko lang.

sige na…

TWICE

(Christina Rossetti)

I took my heart in my hand
(O my love, O my love),
I said: Let me fall or stand,
Let me live or die,
But this once hear me speak-
(O my love, O my love)-
Yet a woman’s words are weak;
You should speak, not I.

You took my heart in your hand
With a friendly smile,
With a critical eye you scanned,
Then set it down,
And said: It is still unripe,
Better wait a while;
Wait while the skylarks pipe,
Till the corn grows brown

As you set it down it broke-
Broke, but I did not wince;
I smiled at the speech you spoke,
At your judgment that I heard:
But I have not often smiled
Since then, nor questioned since,
Nor cared for corn-flowers wild,
Nor sung with the singing bird.

I take my heart in my hand,
O my God, O my God,
My broken heart in my hand:
Thou hast seen, judge Thou
My hope was written on sand,
O my God, O my God:
Now let Thy judgment stand-
Yea, judge me now

This contemned of a man,
This marred one heedless day,
This heart take Thou to scan
Both within and without:
Refine with fire its gold,
Purge Thou its dross away-
Yea, hold it in Thy hold,
Whence none can pluck it out.

I take my heart in my hand-
I shall not die, but live-
Before Thy face I stand;
I, for Thou callest such:
All that I have I bring,
All that I am I give,
Smile Thou and I shall sing,
But shall not question much.